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Bittersweet Ecstasy

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He shouldn't ... It wasn't right ... He couldn't really want him, it's just one night, just comfort ... Despite those words, he clung on to the body beneath his own fiercely, loathing the moment when he had to let go. But he knew he had to.

Once I would have held on. But now I will let go. Because I love ...Because I know now, what it is like to love truly.

I didn't before.

The evening had begun normally enough.

"Have a nice time, 'Kaasan, 'Tousan." Kurama smiled as his mother and stepfather went out the door, arm in arm.

Giving his mother a quick kiss on the cheek, he whispered. "Enjoy yourself, don't worry. I can take care of things at home."

His stepfather wasn't so sure. "Here's the phone numbers: of the theater, and the restaurant we'll be at. Call if there is a problem."

Kurama - as Shyuichi Minamino - smiled back winningly. There were few people who could stand the full charismatic force of a youko's smile. His stepfather was no exception.

"Really, you worry too much, 'Tousan. Everything will be fine." Except with yourself. A voice in his mind reminded him. They don't know... They don't know nor would understand your needs, your wants. They don't know what you really are. Your true aspect....

As always, he pushed that little voice in to a faraway corner in his consciousness, ignoring it.

I will tell them. Someday.

"'Bye!" His stepbrother, Shyuichi Hatanaka called as he stepped out, rushing past his father and stepbrother. "I'll be at Suzuki-san's party! I'll be back at ten!"

Kazuya Hatanaka smiled as his son ran up to a group of teenagers his age - his friends, no doubt - chatting excitedly over the party they were to attend.

"Are you sure you really don't mind staying at home, Shyuichi?" The middle aged man could never figure out his stepson's mind. "Kids your age should be out more often."

Kurama smiled again. He was 'out' more often than either of his parents could guess. "I'll be fine. I would really like to study for my History exam tomorrow." A lie. But little white lies never hurt anyone.

Shyuichi Hatanaka overheard and called back to his stepbrother.

"Don't study too hard! If you do the rest of us would need light years

to catch up with you!" The teasing was kindly meant, so Kurama - or rather, Shyuichi Minamino just laughed and shooed his human relatives out on their night on the town.

Once they were gone, he was more 'Kurama' than 'Shyuichi Minamino'.

About time, too! Youko Kurama snarled, impatient at the delay. Silly

ningen always making such a fuss over the smallest things - I've been quite capable of taking care of myself for more than a thousand years!

Shyuichi Minamino was not quite so certain. Could I? Could I really have

lived for so long without ever learning to love? To care about people other than my own self? To live without being loved? I don't think so. And speaking of loving ....

His thoughts wound into a forbidden corner, one he did not like to think about. The part where it contained all the people he had loved ... people who he loved for themselves ... and people he cared for only as objects, things of desire - things he loved only for their value; their worth to him.

Kuronue ... Kuronue was his first friend. If he had lived ... then Shyuichi Minamino would never have existed. He closed his eyes, remembering what could have been.

If Kuronue had lived ... Oh, he would probably still be a thief, still at the top of Reikai's Most Wanted. But I would have had a friend, I would have known ... I would have been able to love, to feel ... I would have been a person I

was proud to be. And now ...

His thoughts turned to his other lovers, male, female, cringing as he remembered the 'uses' he had made of those who were 'foolish' enough to fall in love - or lust - with himself. You manipulated them. There was that pretty little minx who betrayed her master for you ... And died, when Youko Kurama took the jewel her master owned and left, leaving her to face the music alone ... Nameless faces, because you just don't want to remember ... You used them and left them to fend for themselves ...

The path his mind followed lead inexorably to the one he did not want to remember the most - or the least, Kurama couldn't tell.

Yomi.

Yomi, the lover and second-in-command he had discarded without a thought, seeing only an impudent fool who was not good enough to match his own wits or beauty...

Yomi loved me, once. Now ... Too late, he knew what he had lost. It is too late. Too many years, too much deception.

Friends we are now, though uneasy 'friends' ... And that is the most it

will ever be.

He was lonely. So lonely ... Hiei? My best friend ...He smiled, knowing

how often Mukuro would gift him with that 'look' speculatively whenever he visited.

Friends. Just friends. Nothing more or less. Hiei was like the brother he had always wanted.

Sometimes, I wonder ... could Hiei be Kuronnue, reborn in a new body? He pondered, amused. The two were very alike. When we first challenged Eight-Hands, side by side, it was as if Kuronue was fighting beside me, covering my back. There was an instant 'match' of harmoniously paired swordsmanship I have not enjoyed for a long time. Both youkai were proud, stubborn and aloof. Yet surprisingly self-sacrificing and loyal ... as he was not.

Oh, Kuronue ... if you have become Hiei - if you are Hiei, I wish you the best.

Mukuro and Hiei were very good for each other. He laughed softly to himself. Very. And I would not jeopardize your happiness for my own sake! I owe you too much to ever do such a thing.

And there it was again. Obligations, debts of honour, he would not have know to act with honour, had it not been for his friends. Favors, blackmail, alliances of convenience, and debts of favours were all I knew. And speaking of debts ...

Yusuke.

The one person in the world that he owed everything to. His mother ...

and his life. If it weren't for Yusuke ...Shyuichi Minamino, and Youko Kurama as well, would be dead. Dead and gone. Out of sheer desperation, when he realized that he cared about the welfare of the woman who had borne him, given him life - when he realized that her illness was beyond the skill of any physician, including himself - he was ready to trade everything for Shiori Minamino's life.

If it wasn't for Yusuke ... He would have. He'd been as surprised as Yusuke was, to find that they could trust each other. He was definitely surprised to discover that Yusuke would take the risk of dying to help him. He was amazed to find them both alive, the Mirror of Darkness taking only part of their life-energies - instead of all of his own.

The price he was prepared to pay for his wish was his own life. One life. And Yusuke had given him his life.

Or rather, half of it. He thought wryly. Kurama had thought of maybe dosing his new friend's food to increase his life-span, since he had so willingly given it away ... he didn't worry about himself, for his kind were notoriously long-lived. But now ...

It gave Youko Kurama quite a turn to find out that one Yusuke Urameshi, lately Tantei of the Reikai, should be descendant of the Toushin Raizen, a legend of the Makai. Now he doesn't need it. Though I do admit to some puzzlement to exactly how long our lives should be ...

But then again, who really knew any of these things? Best to let it be and just live.

"Yusuke-kun?" Kurama was surprised to see the younger youth at his door.

"Come in."

Speaking of the devil ...

"Thanks." Yusuke flopped down on a sofa. "You got time for handing out any sympathy and pity?"

Kurama frowned. This was hardly like the Yusuke he knew.

"What's wrong?"

"Got anywhere private to talk?"

Still not meeting his eyes. Something was very wrong. Kurama shrugged.

"My room then, as usual." He turned to walk toward the kitchen.

"Where are you going, Kurama?" Yusuke finally took some interest in his surroundings.

"Just to get tea and some biscuits." Kurama replied. "You look like you need to talk for quite a while."

The tray of refreshments was left forgotten on the floor. Slowly, Kurama bent over Yusuke.

I've waited so long. Kurama thought. Too long, for this. For the consummation of love, of giving and receiving out of love.

For someone like him, someone loving and worthy of being loved.Yusuke ...

Once, when he was less morally inclined, he may have forced the issue. But not now. Not ever again, he told himself, human and fox. Never. He loved too much for that. And coercion was no expression of love, for he had learned better. I have come to feel so deeply...And he marveled at the depths the emotion ran, turbulent currents of feeling, so intense. So profound, that all his past ambitions seemed sorry and petty indeed.

I will love as long as he allows me to.

He couldn't believe what he accepted. What he had just said 'yes' to.

What he now found he wanted - No, better make that needed, craved. Yusuke thought. Damn you, Kurama, what have you done to me?

He wanted Kurama. Kurama, of all people. That was why he was lying here, with the redhead atop him, wasn't it?

Sex. About to enter in that most intimate of physical acts.

WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS?

He'd turned to Kurama for advice, for comfort. He had been.... Devastated would be a mild word for how he had felt then. Keiko ... she just left. To give her credit, she did say goodbye.

"I can't wait for you anymore."

Oh, he could understand - understand why she was tired. Tired of picking up after him, tired of taking second place to his friends, to his interests, to battles and fighting. He just didn't have as much time for her. And it was a relief, almost, that they're not a couple anymore.

He was tired, too. Tired of all the expectations, all the attention and rules she demanded. Keiko wanted him to at least act like a human being, act mannerly and all ... but he couldn't. He'd lived wild, unrestrained by such restrictions for a long time. He couldn't live the life she wanted him to live. He couldn't be want she wanted him to be.

So it was goodbye. But still, you don't let go of someone you knew nearly all your life without feeling loss.

Feeling empty.

Damn Keiko anyway.

He slowly unclenched his fists, he hadn't realized how hard his nails were digging into his palm, nor how much force he held them.

It's as if I know I should let go but can't...

So he came to talk to Kurama - Kuwabara was no help at all, Hiei would say only "Hn." And to find Kurama as wanting as he felt ... To find Kurama hungering for him. To find that Kurama had desired him ... That Kurama was as lonely as he was.

And Kurama understood, perfectly, the thrill of physical combat, exhilaration as one faced an equally matched adversary, the challenge of being challenged - all the things that he tried to describe to Keiko once and never could make her understand.

Not even once. Not once ... Not as Kurama did.

And Kurama offered. Comfort. A physical release. Pleasure with no

strings attached.

"She said: 'You're so cold. Distant. Keeping your distance. I want someone to hold me close and tell me how they feel, someone loving..."

Yusuke's voice had been bleak. You don't let go of your childhood love so easily, for to love is to feel loss, to take on emotional risks. As Kurama had known but avoided love as the Youko Kurama. As Kurama had come to accept and prepared to pay the price as the human Shyuichi Minamino. And Yusuke had just paid for his.

"Would you like a professional's assessment on that?"

I kept my tone efficient and brisk.

But Yusuke heard the secret longing in my voice. By the most blunt of words he withdrew the truth from me. And he did not refuse, nor turn away, as I had feared. As I held him even now, I treasured each moment, trying to freeze the instant and burn each second irrevocably into my memory.

So many lovers, but so few who truly loved.

I may be only - an outlet - of relief for him.

Even so ... even so ... even if it is so ... I wanted to remember this night as clearly as if I experienced it now.

Even if this is the only time he is mine ~

So. Be. It.

"Are you sure we can do this now?" Yusuke knew that he sounded, well, complaining, but he managed to remember beneath the distraction of Kurama's body that Kurama's parents and step-brother may be home.

"Yes." Kurama smiled gently down at him. "Shiuichi-san is at a friend's house, and my parents are out enjoying a night out on the town. We are quite safe."

Yusuke relaxed, unleashing the sudden tightness which had gripped his body. It felt so ... safe. So like .... a sense of belonging, of being welcomed and loved ... so like home.

But I've never really had a home. He thought.

Atsuko had never made the little places they've lived in feel like home.

Only a place where he'd go to sleep and to eat and maybe lounge around doing nothing - watching TV or playing video games.

This was as if it was a place where he was expected and welcomed and wanted, where there was someone waiting for him, someone who would always be there for him.Kurama ...

He thought, and let Kurama's hands unbutton his shirt, and watched as

Kurama undid his own shirt, too, and embraced him again.

He sighed again as he rested his head against the firm chest, wondering how long this night would last. Shyuichi Minamino would have been content to leave things at this; but it was the time of month when Youko Kurama ruled, and the darker desires would not be denied.

Two sides of himself, one selfish, one unselfish. Manipulative and innocent.

Sometimes I wonder who I really am. Am I human, youko, or both?

Kurama thought as the youko in him urged him to take advantage of the situations, even as the human in him warned him to go slow, to let Yusuke make up his own mind - and then the equation changed.

Yusuke decided that it wasn't what he expected.

Dammit, I thought Kurama would just - well, make me feel better or whatever - but he's not doing anything. Why? I thought I told him that I said it was O.K. Does he still think I won't let him?

Then another thought occurred to him.

Is he afraid? Is he afraid I wouldn't want him? That I would hate him?

That I wouldn't be his friend anymore?

The thought made him angry, more than troubled of what Kurama was doing to him.

As always, his body reacted first, ignoring his mind.

He pushed at Kurama, tugging at what remained of the older youth's clothing, and locked their lips in a hard kiss.

Then Yusuke pushed Kurama away.

"Kurama, if you've got cold feet, stop now." He glared into startled green eyes, his voice grating. "I don't have time to play guessing games. I said I'd do this and I meant it."

Shocked at the suddenness of Yusuke's actions, for a moment, he could not speak.

"Yusuke-kun ..."

"Well?" Brown eyes looked at him in impatience.

Kurama suppressed the urge to laugh.

"As forthright as usual, I see." He put a finger to Yusuke's lips, stalling further outbursts.

"I am frightened. I am uncertain. I am afraid. I don't want to lose your friendship. I want there to be more between us - and I want everything to be the same. I'm as confused as any person. I prepare for the worst, think the worst - I can't help but consider every scenario - especially the worst case - just as

you can't help but be honest and frank with your friends."

He leaned back, sighing.

"Youko tend to take a ... more cynical view. We are so often right in our estimates that it's refreshing to have a different persepective."

Then he almost smiled.

"A wild card, in your case." And sobered.

He did not say 'I love you'.

It was too early and he had never loved before.

Never loved like this.

It's best to be sure before making a commitment.

The youko in him won.

Carefully, Kurama returned the questioning look in Yusuke's eyes.

"And no, it's not a game. You're not just some experiment, someone I'm playing with, as soon as I'm done I'll say 'it's been fun, see you around.' - You deserve better than that. I want love. If you will let me ..."

He let his voice trail off into longing, the invitation and request left hanging in the air.

And waited for Yusuke to decide what to do.

He's serious. He can't be serious. I can't be serious. THIS CAN'T BE SERIOUS. Lord, someone tell me I'm dreaming.

Please? Just knock me hard on the head or slap me on the cheek and I'll wake up.

Then it was all too real.

Almost imperceptible, the whispered "Hai" of assent. Only the sensitive ears of one such as himself, a youko reborn could have heard and deciphered its meaning. Kurama placed himself over Yusuke, pressing the younger boy down.

Yusuke knew that he must have nodded, or given some form of assent, for abruptly Kurama was on him. He could feel Kurama's breath, a searing hot breeze across his throat, as a languorous tongue snaked its way up to his earlobe.

Without thinking, Yusuke wrapped his arms around Kurama's burning body, aching for the closeness of another, aching for touch and warmth, for contact. Kurama seemed to sense his need, pressing ever closer to the black-haired youth.

"Yusuke-kun?" Kurama whispered beside his ear. "How far will you permit me to go?"

Yusuke wondered what Kurama meant.

Kurama's face was suddenly before him, deep emerald depths looking into his own. Reading his confusion, doubts, misgivings...

"You don't know what I want..." Kurama murmured, "You don't know what I

am asking of you or what happens when two males choose to love ..."

Yusuke closed his eyes, nodding slightly. He didn't trust his voice.

There was a ripple of sensation radiating from his groin. One that he knew as desire ... and it astonished him that what he felt towards Kurama was as strong as that for Keiko ... he wanted Kurama ... Kurama, who was almost too beautiful to be true ...

He's too gorgeous to be human ... Yusuke thought. Even if I didn't know that he was youko ... I would know that he is anything but human ...

Kurama was so close, so warm, so alive above him. He could smell a delicate, soft perfume in the air. A scent that he had come to associate with Kurama, especially ever since the first time they fought together as a team, against the Four, Suzaku and Seiryuu and Byakko and Genbu. Roses. Kurama's scent was of roses, a faint, delicate scent that was almost not there.

Like that time, when I first saw Kurama in action with his Rose Whip ...

Then, too, the scent of roses had filled the room, enabling Kurama to smell out exactly where the Rock-Tortoise was.

Roses ...The smell was heavenly, not a heavy, suffocating perfume but just ... Kurama.

Kurama ... With a shock, Yusuke realized that he was completely nude, and so was Kurama.

And Kurama still held him.

Kurama felt Yusuke's sudden panic, tautness in every line of the muscle, sinew and flesh beneath his.

"Yusuke-kun?" Kurama was worried. Had he pushed too far?

Yusuke shook his head.

"No ..."

"What is it?" He didn't want to scare his would-be lover, overwhelm the youth with his own experience, and so he did nothing. Or, rather, next to nothing, for his hands were extremely occupied in smoothing the folds of nervousness in Yusuke's body.

"I ... I still feel as if I'm dreaming ..."

"Just ask me anything." Kurama could not keep the pain from his voice.

"Even if you want me to stop. Ask and I will do it. I swear."

"Show me how you want to love me." Yusuke was sure now. Sure that this was what he wanted.

"I'm not sure you're quite ready for that yet ..." Kurama hesitated.

"Then show me what you think I'm ready for."

Yusuke closed his eyes, enveloped by Kurama's warmth, scent, weight.

Kurama.

"I want you. I need you. I need this ..."

"Don't ask too much at once ..." He heard Kurama's soft whisper. "I don't want to disappoint you. Or myself."

Carefully, Kurama let his hands glide over Yusuke's body. Trembling. Youko Kurama was torn between hysteria and need.

When was the last time I was THIS nervous; seducing a new lover?

After summarizing Yusuke's body with his sense of touch, Kurama caught

Yusuke by the wrists, hearing the escalating breathing of the youth. Deliberately, he directed Yusuke's hands on a similar tour, over his own body.

Yusuke opened his eyes in surprise, as he put his own commands to his own hands, and felt Kurama relax, unwind in his arms.

"Are you melting?" He wasn't aware that he'd spoken out loud, until he heard Kurama chuckle. "You feel like you are."

"What?" Kurama's voice was light, with good-natured mocking in its flavor. "And not return the favor? That would be unbelievably impolite, by youko custom."

The rest of the night afterwards was not exchanged in words, but in actions. Yusuke couldn't remember the loving tryst Kurama and he shared in its entirety, only jagged, sharply outlined pieces of the whole.

Kurama caressing his body lovingly, holding him and making him feel so... full. Not empty. Encouragement with lip and limb when he faltered, uncertain what to do. The inferno of passion, the incredible searing heat that was almost freezing in its cutting intensity. The burning sensation of two bodies pressed together until they were almost one.

The taste of Kurama, of secrets and deep dark forest, primeval and ancient and mysteriously animal. Fox. The musky, earth scent of a dog-fox. His own desire crashing high as if he'd charged full speed up a cliff and falling into infinity

as the pleasure attained something that he was not aware that he lacked/needed/must have and he fell ...

And then there was only gentle touch and soothing voice, tenderness and affection, the sound of his name, and the shadow of a kiss as sleep stole over his eyes and he slipped into blessed rest, sated and replete.

Kurama regarded the peacefully sleeping form within his arms with mixed feelings. With all the love and fondness he felt, there was an equal amount of fear and apprehension. He didn't know where they would go from here.

Would there be a next time? Or is this the first and the last time? He couldn't tell.

To top it off, it was almost ten. Or so his internal sense of time told him.

Double checking with the clock on his wall, Kurama saw with trepidation that it was ten.

Ten o' clock at night. When Shyuichi-san should - and would - be coming

home.

"I'm ho-ooooome!!!!"

Slipping out of Yusuke's arm like an eel, Kurama threw the 'Do not disturb, Am STUDYING' sign over the doorknob of his room and locked the door. Then he threw on his clothes, pulling a sweater hastily over his head and yanking on a pair of jeans over his hips.

"You still studying?" Shyuichi Hatanaka looked at his stepbrother's door in disbelief. What a straight. Partying and Shyuichi Minamino seemed to be mutually exclusive. He shook his head.

His loss.

"Yes?" His stepbrother poked a head out the door. "You're home exactly on time."

Shyuichi grinned sheepishly.

"Yeah, y'know how strict dad is and how he said he'll ground me again if I came home even one minute later - like the last time when I was only half an hour late!"

Kurama smiled at his brother, stepping out and closing the door.

"Feel like anything to drink?"

"No," Shyuichi had to cover a yawn. "We had a great time there, you really should come next time and meet my friends." Probably not. Too many of the girls were asking about him. "I want to go to bed now. See you in the morning and Good Night."

Kurama watched his stepbrother walk down the hall to the bathroom in relief.

That was a close one. Too close.

He decided to cover his tracks and returned to his room.

"WAKE UP!!!" Yusuke was dumped unceremoniously on his rear to the floor.

"IT'S NOON ALREADY!!!"

"I'm not six years old anymore!!! And it's a Saturday, so THERE!!!!"

Atsuko let her hands rest on her hips and scowled down at her son.

"Where were you last night? You weren't at the noodle stand, I phoned Kuwabara's and Keiko's and you'd already left!!!"

Yusuke blinked as he recalled events of the previous evening. MAJOR events.

"Umm ...." Quickly he looked down at himself. He was in his usual sleepwear, plain light blue PJs. There was no sign of any ...

He pushed the thought away as he felt his face begin to heat up.

"I can't remember ..."

"You WIMP!!! How could you? What were you drinking that made you totally forget?!? What happened to your capacity for alcohol?!?! I didn't even smell any sake on your breath!"

"You know, you're just the perfect model of the doting mother." Yusuke said sarcastically. This from the old hag who drinks 24 hrs a day, seven days a week, and 365 days in a year. Double shift during holidays.

"Just get up already." Atsuko growled.

"What? Forgot how to make breakfast on your own?"

"Get moving ~!" She propelled him toward the kitchen, confirming his guess.

"I bet she just woke up herself ..." Yusuke muttered to himself as he plopped oil and two eggs into the frying pan.

Atsuko was in a much better mood after she'd downed her third cup of coffee. Yusuke sat at the table and picked at his eggs.

;"So ..." She lighted a cigarette and put it to her lips. "What's this I hear 'bout you dumping Keiko?"

PLOP.

"I think it was the OTHER way around, MOM." Yusuke said with his head buried in the plate.

"Same thing." She puffed out a ring of smoke, and as it widened she huffed a smaller ring of smoke into its center.

"So, what gives?"

"Keiko. Dump. Me. Kapeesh?" Yusuke did not feel like raising his head to greet the world at that particular moment.

He wished that last night's dream was real. It was so ... It had made him feel so alive. So wanted.

"What did you do this time?" Atsuko continued making for bull's eye with smoke ring after smoke ring.

"It's more like what I DIDN'T do. Now may I be excused from the table?"

Yusuke stood, holding the plate up to his face and walked over to the sink. Somehow, he just didn't feel like eating anymore.

"Kids these days. Can't have any meaningful conversation with them."

Atsuko flipped the TV on as Yusuke put the dishes away, washed up, got dressed, and left the apartment.

"IT'S A WONNNNNDDDDDDEERRRRFUUUULLL MORNNNIINNNGG~~~!!!" Kuwabara Kazuma

sang out to the world, love in his heart, as he skipped to Genkai Shihan's temple, bag of bread crumbs and birdseed in hand.

Walking just five paces behind, Yusuke considered the possibility of using the most conveniently conspicuous orange head for target practice. Atop a 1,000 year old pine 500 yards away, a small figure in black was contemplating the differing degrees of pain to be inflicted by slicing ningen sidewise, lengthwise, or diagonally.

He had just decided on a diagonal cut when the question was made moot.

Likewise, Yusuke was just about to take aim when a cheerful, sweet voice piped up.

"Kazuma-san! How wonderful to see you!" a delicate ice-maiden gushed at the gangly youth. "And you've brought birdseed and breadcrumbs, too! Now we can feed all my friends!"

The two went up happily to feed the birds which Yukina had adopted.

"Sometimes, I wish Yukina would not appear so conveniently." Yusuke jumped, for the words were spoken right next to his ear. Hiei smiled smugly as Yusuke found himself with his arms hanging on to a branch overhead, dangling just above the fire-demon.

"My, a little inattentive today, aren't we?" Hiei's sense of superiority was, alas, short-lived.

"Yes, I must agree." Hiei joined Yusuke immediately. Kurama waved at them merrily from his position beneath the tree. "Good morning."

"Move over." Hiei snarled at Yusuke, trying to climb onto the branch.

"No. I was here first." Yusuke was feeling perverse, but a sword pointing at his neck changed his mind. He let go and dropped to the ground.

"Good morning to you, too, Yusuke-kun." Kurama's eyes did not betray any emotion, nothing that would make him think that ...

It was as if nothing had happened.

Yusuke decided it must have been a dream.

Looking up at Hiei, an almost invisible shadow in the tree, Kurama turned back towards Yusuke.

"Yusuke ~" He paused, running a tongue over suddenly dry lips. "I believe we need to talk."

It was then that Yusuke realized that it couldn't have been a dream after all.

*** ***

To be continued?

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